


Fake Therapist

by CallistoNicol



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Reunion, morally questionable idiots, sifkiweek2020, snobby Loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25983025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallistoNicol/pseuds/CallistoNicol
Summary: Sif's relationship with Haldor is rocky at best, so she hires Loki to pose as a therapist and tell her boyfriend everything he's doing wrong.
Relationships: Haldor/Sif (Marvel), Loki/Sif (Marvel)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 40





	Fake Therapist

It was stupid. Sif knew it was stupid. 

But she was going to do it anyway. 

And there was only one person she knew who had no scruples about doing morally questionable things. 

An hour of internet stalking yielded Sif Loki’s number. He answered immediately. “Loki Odinson,” his velvet smooth voice purred in her ear. Well, maybe he wasn’t purring, but Sif kind of wished he would. She hadn’t seen Loki in ten years, and all it took was his name to remind her how big of a crush she’d had on him in high school, which apparently she hadn’t gotten over. 

Oh yes, this was a _terrible_ idea.

“Loki, it’s Sif. I have an appalling proposition for you, and I will pay you $250 an hour to do it.”

“...I’m listening.”

Which was how Sif landed herself in fake couples therapy with her boyfriend Haldor, sitting across from a bespectacled Loki as he pretended to be a therapist. 

And damn if those glasses didn’t make him look hot. 

Introductions were shared, seats were taken, and Sif tried to pretend she had anything resembling pure motives. 

“What seems to be the problem?” Loki asked, directing his question to Haldor. 

“I have no idea,” Haldor said. “She’s the one who thought therapy was a good idea.”

Loki peered over the top of his glasses. “ _She_?” he said mildly. “That’s an inappropriate way to refer to your partner. Use her name.”

Haldor rolled his eyes. “ _Sif_ made me come.”

“Because you’re being a bad boyfriend,” Loki said. 

“It’s mutual,” Haldor said defensively. 

“But it wouldn’t be if you stepped up and acted like a man instead of a whiny child.”

Loki couldn’t have chosen a better turn of phrase if it had been scripted. That was almost verbatim what Sif told Haldor on a near weekly basis, and was the crux of their relationship problems. She couldn’t quite keep her smile contained. “Did you two plan this in advance?” Haldor asked suspiciously, hitting the nail on the head. At least, the therapy bit was planned in advance; that insult had been all Loki. 

“I do not confer with my clients on how to run my therapy sessions,” Loki said dryly, picking up a pencil and jotting a note in his leather-bound journal. Haldor frowned. 

“Then how did you know what her main complaint against me is?”

Loki looked up, his eyes darting to Sif. She tired to give him a look of wide-eyed innocence. “Coincidence,” he said. “Tell me, Haldor; why does she call you a whiny man child?”

Haldor rolled his eyes again. “She’s all pissy that I quit my job again. They didn’t appreciate me there, you know. I can’t work in a hostile environment. I need some breathing room!”

“Again, you say?” Loki asked. “How many jobs have you quit?”

“Three so far this year. I’m just looking for the perfect fit, you know? Someone who pays me what I’m worth and respects my time.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Loki said. “What were the jobs you quit?”

“Factory worker, basketball coach, and SEO monkey.”

This time, Loki took his glasses off to stare at Haldor. “That’s what you qualify for?” he asked, voice carefully neutral.

Haldor shrugged. “Trying to find myself, you know? I never went to college, so—”

“You never went to college,” Loki interrupted. Sif grinned; she knew where this was going. Loki was an Odinson, a notoriously snobby family who not only looked down on people who didn’t go to college, but also looked down on anyone who didn’t go to a quality university. Sif hadn’t cared about Haldor’s lack of education—there was more than one way to make a living, after all, and anything that paid the bills was respectable, even if it didn’t come with letters after your name—but right now she was pissed at her boyfriend for his devil-may-care attitude and refusal to grow up and accept responsibility. She was here for a good Odinson smackdown. “You dare pursue a woman who graduated from an accredited university with a respectable job, and you think it’s okay to flit about from job to job? Not even career to career, but unskilled labor?”

“Hey,” Haldor said, getting annoyed. “SEO monkey is a skill.”

“Monkey is in the job title,” Loki said flatly, “implying a monkey could do it. Not a real job.”

Yes, this was what she was paying him for. Not that Sif had any problem with Haldor’s SEO work, but she was annoyed that he quit after three weeks, and she wanted someone else to tell him it was ridiculous. 

“What kind of therapist are you, anyway?” Haldor demanded. 

“The kind trying to improve your life so you’re worthy of the woman you’re with.”

Haldor looked at her askance, but Sif just shrugged. “He came highly recommended,” she said. It was true, considering she’d recommended Loki to herself. 

“Well what about Sif?” Haldor demanded. “She’s busy looking down on me because I don’t have a fancy job. Fancy job don’t make you a good person.”

“True, but there is great merit in stability,” Loki replied. “What’s more attractive: a man who can’t make up his mind about providing for himself, let alone anyone else, or a trained monkey with a steady income?”

“Let go of the monkey thing already,” Haldor said, his annoyance spilling into his clenched fists. 

“Myself, I’d choose the monkey,” Loki said. 

“Then maybe you two should date,” Haldor said sourly. 

An increasingly attractive prospect, Sif was willing to admit. She obviously appreciated the outer package, but even better, Loki had a real job, one with benefits. Younger Sif would have scoffed at such worldly notions, but adult Sif was happy to be wooed by words like _health insurance_ and _401k_. Financial stability was swoon-worthy. If she stayed with Haldor long term, the only thing in her future was alcoholism—hers or his, it was debatable. Maybe both.

“And why do you say that?” Loki asked.

Haldor pointed at the fake diploma behind Loki’s head—where he had printed that up, she didn’t know, but it looked impressive. He’d even had it matted and framed. “Fancy degree from a fancy university,” Haldor said. “She’d like that.”

“She’d like you just fine, too, if you could find a job and stick with it,” Loki pointed out.

“I will eventually,” Haldor said. “She’ll like me then.”

“If she’s still around then,” Loki said. “Maybe I will snatch her up.”

“Keep your hands off my woman.”

“See, I know better than to refer to her as something to possess. You’re making my case look better and better.”

“See here,” Haldor said, face going red. He leaned forward in his seat like he was barely keeping himself from leaping up and throttling Loki. To be fair, that was a common feeling around the man. Hot and self-sufficient he might be, but Loki did have a wicked tongue, as she well remembered. “Don’t you dare—”

“And our time is up,” Loki said, tapping his expensive looking watch. “Your homework, Haldor, is to make a list of reasons why you’re lucky to have Sif. I’ll see you next week.”

“We didn’t even talk about Sif,” Haldor protested. “And why doesn’t she have to make a list about me?”

“Because we didn’t get to her, so she doesn’t have an assignment. Good day.”

Haldor protested all the way out the door while Sif shared a grin with Loki.

* * *

Next week began with Haldor handing Loki his list. Sif tried to read what was written on the paper, but Loki’s desk paraphernalia blocked her view. She jutted out her lower lip slightly. 

Loki barely glanced at the paper before he tossed a disbelieving stare towards her boyfriend. “That’s it?” he asked.

Haldor shrugged. “What? It’s all true.”

“You have _three_ things listed.”

“Three?” Sif interjected. “ _Three_? You had a whole week and could only come up with _three_ reasons why you’re lucky to have me?”

“Like you could do any better,” Haldor scoffed.

She glared at him. “Right now I can’t think of a single one.”

“Like I said,” he said smugly.

Loki tsked, tapping his pen against his desk. “That isn’t something to be proud about,” he said. 

Haldor shrugged again. “I’m overachieving for the first time in my life. I think I’m entitled to a little pride.”

Loki lifted Haldor’s paper and read from it. “ ‘She’s hot, nice tits, has mula.’ I would not call this any sort of achievement.”

“It’s all true,” Haldor said again. Sif just stared at him, her mouth hanging open. Three things, and he couldn’t even specify anything about her as a person. She got better, more specific compliments from the catcallers she walked past on the street. This was downright insulting. She was beginning to wonder what she ever saw in him.

Standing up, Sif yanked the paper out of Loki’s hand, stole his pen, and wrote her own list about Haldor. Handing it back to Loki, she said, “Read that.”

Holding the paper, Loki read, “ ‘His eyes crinkle when he’s about to make a joke and you know it’s going to be a good one. He took his niece to the aquarium when she missed going with her class because she was sick. He makes an incredible zucchini mushroom pasta that is to die for.’ ” 

Haldor shifted uncomfortably. “I mean, yeah, hers is better…”

“It’s not just better,” Loki said, refolding the paper and placing it on his desk, “it showcases her quality of character and indisputably marks her a better person than you could ever hope to be.”

“Sorry, Sif,” Haldor said, sounding so contrite she was reminded why she began dating him in the first place. “You are better than me, and we both know it.”

“I’m not better than you,” Sif said, thinking about why she’d started fake therapy in the first place. “I just wish you would measure up to your potential instead of giving up before you even start. You could do great things, you know. You just have to decide to do them.”

“But I have my whole life ahead of me to do great things,” he said. “Right now, I just want to enjoy life and have some fun. I can be respectable when I’m too old to enjoy the fun stuff.”

“It’s not an either or,” Sif said. “You can do both, you know. Having a job doesn’t mean an end to fun; often it means you have the funds to _have_ fun.”

“I know…” he said, twisting the toe of his shoe into the flooring. “Then maybe you’ll be happy to know I start a new job tomorrow. I’m going to be a PE teacher at the elementary school. That’s respectable. Decent pay, all things considered.”

Sif smiled. She could see him working with children; he was half child himself. “I think that’s great,” she said softly, reaching for his hand. 

Loki cleared his throat, interrupting the moment. “That was surprisingly productive,” Loki said. He didn’t sound surprised, but Sif could see it lurking in his eyes. Who knew fake therapy might actually be good for them? She smiled broadly at her old friend.

“Thank you,” she said sincerely. Loki just nodded. 

“Does this mean we don’t have to come back?” Haldor asked.

“One more session can’t hurt, to make sure things are still on track,” Loki said. Haldor agreed, but Sif rolled her eyes. Loki no doubt wanted to milk as much money from her as possible.

“See you next week, Doc,” Haldor said, and they left.

* * *

Next week started off with a bang as Sif stormed into Loki’s fake office. “He quit. He _quit_ after _two days,”_ she growled. 

Haldor came in behind her, scratching his head. He sat down while Sit started pacing, trying to blow off some steam before she murdered someone.

“You only lasted two days?” Loki asked, and Sif could hear his barely concealed laughter. She growled again.

Haldor shrugged. “Turns out kids are little hell demons. You’d have quit, too. I’m shocked I lasted two days; I was done five minutes in.”

“Ask him what he did to celebrate,” Sif said.

“What—” Loki started, but Sif interrupted him. 

“He drank himself stupid and ended up with the bartender’s phone number and a date. A date!”

All signs of laughter disappeared as Loki stared disapprovingly at Sif’s stupid boyfriend. “You secured a date with another woman?” Haldor opened his mouth, but Loki spoke before he could. “Say the woman was hot and I will lodge my pen between your first and second molars.” 

“She was...visually appealing,” Haldor said instead. 

“You’re an asshole is what you are,” Loki said as if stating fact. Sif wholeheartedly agreed.

“The hell?” Haldor said, standing. “I thought therapists were supposed to help thera...pu...ty-ify their patients, not belittle them.”

“And I thought you were supposed to act like a man,” Loki retorted. “But I guess we can’t fix stupid.”

“Yeah,” Sif said with gusto.

“You know what, I’m out,” Haldor said. “Out of therapy, and out of this stupid relationship.” Giving Sif a once over, he clicked his tongue once. “Shame. But I’ve got a date.” And he left.

Sif stared after his retreating form. “I probably should have seen that coming,” she said. 

“You’re better off without him,” Loki said.

Sadly, she couldn’t argue with that. 

Then again, she was standing in a room with an old friend she hadn’t seen in years that she hired specifically to make Haldor feel bad about his life choices. Maybe Haldor was better off without her.

“You know,” Loki said, standing up slowly. “I have a full time job, and it isn’t being a fake therapist.”

Sif’s heart fluttered the wee bittiest bit. She smiled at him. “Loki Odinson, are you trying to woo me?”

He smiled back, and her heart went into overdrive. “If you have to ask, I’m not doing a very good job of it.”

There was a brief silence as they stood there, smiling at each other like idiots. At last Sif said, “We’re terrible people, you know. I hired you to ridicule my boyfriend and you agreed to do it.”

“Guess we were made for each other,” Loki replied, taking a step forward. “I'll have you know I recently did a side job that has left me flush with cash. I could take you on all manner of dates.”

She rolled her eyes. “Still paying for my own romance, I see.”

He took another step forward. “Think of it as an investment in your future.”

She took a step forward. He _was_ financially stable, and, so far anyway, didn’t treat her like a pretty accessory.

And he was hot, an extra nice bonus.

They reached for each other at the same time, meeting in a kiss that left her insides gooey. “It’s good to see you, Sif,” he murmured as they parted. “I’m glad you got in touch.”

“Me, too,” she replied, then yanked him back down for another kiss. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm moderately sorry for this one. :D (But only moderately, because I made myself laugh.)


End file.
